The Seattle Seahawks Have Been Lying to You
- Updated: January 14, 2015
The Seattle Seahawks have been lying to you. There is no animal named a “sea hawk.” The term is used to describe various ocean-going birds-of-prey. There is the osprey (which the aforementioned team actually uses as their mascot) and then there is the family of skua birds, of which you will find in North America: the Long-tailed skua or jaeger, the Pomarine skua or jaeger, and, my personal favorite, the Parasitic skua or Arctic jaeger. So please feel free to refer to them as the Seattle Ospreys or Seattle Pomarine Jaegers or Seattle Parasitic Skuas, if you see fit, and be sure to correct your friends who are bound to correct you.
With any luck, these aviary appellations won’t matter after this weekend. But as we go into this weekend, we must look to the Niners’ would-be adversaries (all led by QB’s with STRONG BAY AREA TIES) to see who deserves our support the most against the wretched Seattle OceanBirdsofPrey.
The Green Bay Packers will face the Seahawks first, this weekend. I’d still want them to lose in the Super Bowl because they have four championships to date and a fifth would tie them with the Niners. They are led by the man the 49ers drafted Alex Smith over: Aaron Rodgers. For those of you who don’t know, Rodgers was born in the Norther Californian college-town of Chico. After one year at Butte Community College, he came down to the Bay and went on to fame and glory as the Cal QB. Instead of dwelling on the 2005 Draft and the very high expectations that the Niners would draft Rodgers #1, let us take solace in the fact that dropping from the 1st pick to the 24th pick added the proverbial chip on his shoulder that Rodgers attributes to his motivation. More importantly, the Packers will be avenging a Week 1 36-16 loss at Seattle. Eddie Lacy ran for only 34 yards on 12 carries, a number that will surely improve given Lacy’s late season success (he’s averaged 98.6 yard the past 6 games including playoffs, and ran for less than 90 yards only once since week 13). Even better is that East Palo Alto native Davante Adams has replaced Jarrett Boykin as the third receiver. Adams shredded the Detroit Lions for 117 yards and a score last week in the divisional round of the playoffs. With an improved running game, better third receiver, and a man educated in Berkeley, the Packers will hopefully beat Seattle, but if they don’t…
Then there are the Indianapolis Colts. The Colts handed Seattle its first loss of the 2013 season (the season before this one for the chronologically challenged) and did so in the fashion that gives one hope they could beat Seattle again, especially at a neutral site. While the game went back and forth, it showed the type of resilience and hope that the Indianapolis Colts have had since they drafted Andrew Luck out of Stanford University. While Andrew is a Texan, he was college-coached by our recently-departed Jim Harbaugh and loves the Bay Area. I have a few friends who know Mr. Luck personally and I can’t tell you how often he pops up on my Facebook feed hanging out around Palo Alto during the offseason. Andrew Luck, like so many Bay Areans, is not a native, but a migrant who fell in love with our rolling hills and glimmering bay. With any luck (get it?) and a few 70+ yard bombs to Eugene “T.Y.” Hilton, the Colts hold my best hopes to upset Seattle.
Of course, the team I would demand to beat Seattle is the “49ers of the 2000’s” and the last team to win consecutive Super Bowls: the New England Patriots. My argument begins and ends with Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.. I’ll kindly ignore the fact that he attended Serra in San Mateo, one of my rival high schools growing up (Go Bells!). I’ll begrudgingly ignore the fact that he married Gisele. I’ll conveniently ignore that he’s 0-1 vs Russell Wilson & Pete Carrol. What I cannot ignore, and why I enjoy the play of Mr. Brady so thoroughly, is that he grew up idolizing and doing backyard imitations of Joe Montana. I can’t ignore that he still does great impersonations of Joe Cool every Sunday. Who better to take out Seattle than a 49ers fan (thats why Kaep can’t do it)? Certainly Patriots head coach Belichick will have to scheme, cheat, and game-plan like it’s the 2002 Super Bowl to give Brady such a chance. But against Seattle, I’ll take anyone I can get.
There are the three quarterbacks with Bay Area allegiances. Three teams left to take out the Niner’s division rival. Three teams to prevent Richard “Clifford the Muppet” Sherman & company from thinking they’re better than they are. Let us hope against hope that at least one of them can harness the spirit of Hewlett-Packard or Apple or Google and use it to take out the Microsoftian Seahawks. In the end, I think Andrew Luck has that start-up spirit in him, the one that it will take to overcome Seattle.
Who are you pulling for?